It's the first episode of the fourth season of "The Apprentice" and Donald Trump is back in force, strutting in and out of his various gold-encrusted real estate holdings and filling us in on the concept of the show, all while yelling into the camera. Like a mad dictator, he assures us that the groups of contestants who will populate this season are "the most talented I've ever assembled." "It's not a game!" he shouts. Donald, you're miked -- we can hear you. Settle down.

At Trump National Golf Course in NJ, "The Apprentice" wannabes begin to arrive by cab. To make things confusing, we've got a Mark, a Markus and a Marshawn (blindingly white smile; foppish and loquacious Hugh Grant type; and no-nonsense, Strong Black Woman, respectively) as well as two Jennifers (one a former beauty queen) in the mix. Cute Clay thinks that being "openly gay" will be to his advantage in the game, since all the ladies will want to be his "instant best friend." Blonde, bug-eyed Felisha, quiet brunette Rebecca, stripper/immigrant/murder trial witness Alla, James, and Adam are also on hand.

Trump arrives with his minions, George and Carolyn, in tow. On the ninth green, he divides the teams into boys vs. girls, noting that it's easier to tell the contestants apart that way. Uh, OK, Donald. He also mentions that this season, the Project Manager on a winning task is not automatically exempt from being fired the following week -- that decision is up to the team. Then he tells the players that he's "hidden" a helicopter on the course and the contestants go running off to find it, since whoever gets in it first will be whisked back to NYC and get first choice in the location for their first project: create a new fitness class for Bally's Total Fitness. Since very few of the dudes are wearing heels, they win the race and sarcastic Josh and bespectacled Brian are soon on their way to the Big Apple to nab the choice Chelsea Bally's location.

The rest of the contestants are jammed into vans and schlepped back to Gotham, discussing their strategies along the way. The dudes think Markus should be the Project Manager and after some hemming and hawing which annoys Chris, a former NFL player with a big, honking ring, he accepts. Josh is displeased as well, likening Markus to Stewart Smalley and suggesting that Markus should use his millions to "get some balls."

The ladies choose Kristi, the chipper, blonde Southerner who had a kid at age 16, as their leader and they get the Bally's location in Spanish Harlem. They get right to business, running around the gym and asking its denizens what kinds of classes they'd like and how much they'd pay for them. Manic Melissa points out about a million times that "these people" in Spanish Harlem are just like her and she's got an inside edge because, "I'm Hispanic. They're not going to lie to me!" Can it, sister. Toral, a quiet investment banker, is equally annoyed by Melissa's overbearing behavior and rolls her eyes.

The women, team Capital Edge, eventually cook up the "Triple Threat" class, combining abs, boxing and Pilates. In a stunning display of creativity, the boys, team Excel, combine abs, boxing and YOGA in their class, "Rush 1/2 Hour" which is like, the worst name ever for a class of any kind. The ladies target new, non-Bally's members to take their class. The dudes harass the people who are in the gym already. Carolyn shows up to survey the scene in Spanish Harlem and Melissa takes the opportunity to trash Kristi's project management skills to her. "Women always hate me. Fine," Melissa barks. The woman is clearly in need of a severe Tazering.

The Donald meets with the teams in the Boardroom to announce the winner of the challenge. Excel squeaks to victory by a mere $11 profit over the women. The good news for the lads: they're going to lunch at the Friar's Club with Don. The bad news for Markus: his team votes not to exempt him from being fired next week. Donald asks Excel member Randal to stay behind. Poor Randal. Seems his grandma choked on a tube and died since Randal arrived in NYC and he's trying hard to stay focused. The Donald offers him an out, but quiet and highly educated Randal decides to honor grandma's memory by hanging in there, and Trump provides a helicopter for Randal to attend the funeral. Whatta guy.

"This isn't Kristi vs. Melissa," Kristi explains, pre-Capital Edge Boardroom meeting. "This is Melissa sucks, and needs to be fired." The other team members agree and when Trump asks Kristi for the names of two potential pink-slippers, she requests to state only one: Melissa. In the boardroom with Donald, Carolyn and George, Melissa proceeds to trash Kristi again, and then talk her way right out the door by stating that she can't work with women because they tend to be intimidated by her beauty, brains, skills, and completely irritating and heinous personality. To no one's surprise, Donald's first "You're fired" of the season is bestowed upon Melissa and she takes off in a cab with a Yahoo! Hot Jobs ad on the roof. Good thing, because she's gonna need it.

-- Liz Scott lives in Philadelphia. Her hobbies include listening to Prince, watching "Cops" and reading about celebrities.